I think about a world to come where the books were found by the golden ones, written in pain, written in awe by a puzzled man who questioned, "What are we here for?" All the strangers came today and it looks as though they're here to stay.

-David Bowie "Oh! You Pretty Things"

Saturday, October 16, 2010

My Nine True Loves of the '90s

1. Marie Fredriksson

My first contact with Marie Fredriksson was through her voice. And that was honestly enough. The Swedish female lead singer for Roxette is responsible for some of the best pop songs of the 90s. I was already in love when I saw the music video for "Joyride" (1991), but seeing her beautiful face and sexy figure was something of a re-affirmation. It must have been love. (But it's over now. My love for Marie Fredriksson expired when she started looking like she's old enough to be my mother. But I'll always have the 90s, right?)

2. Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

If you've read my blog before, you know that I have always been a fan of Saved by the Bell (1989-1993). Tiffani Amber-Thiessen might be the first woman I ever really fell in love with. Either her or April O'Neil. It's pretty decisive, however, that Thiessen was the first non-animated human being I ever fell in love with. I was like every other male I knew. I wanted to be Zack Morris, and I wanted Kelly Kapowski on my arm.

3. Lara Flynn Boyle

The short shelf life of actress Lara Flynn Boyle is one of the truly sad stories of Hollywood. There was only a short period of time between Boyle as a child and Boyle as a skeleton of a person, but within that short period of time is the entire series of Twin Peaks (1990-1991) and the film Wayne's World (1992). To paraphrase Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, the vitality of Lara Flynn Boyle lived in the flicker, but it certainly has not lasted as long as the old earth keeps rolling.

4. Gillian Anderson

Gillian Anderson is the quintessential science fiction babe. You may love your Zoe Saldana or your Summer Glau or your Tricia Helfer, but if Mulder never had a Scully this world would be a very different place. Ever since X-Files (1993-2002, 2008), there have been plenty of beautiful women who realize that they can gain a great deal of success by appealing to nerds like us. You can love them all, but if you're anything like me, then one of your earliest sci-fi loves is certainly Gillian Anderson.

5. Jenny McCarthy

The first time I saw Jenny McCarthy was on MTV's Singled Out (1995-1997). She was that kind of girl who could be gross and still be sexy. I remember a spread of photos taken of Jenny McCarthy on a toilet, and it just seemed normal: a beautiful woman with a sense of humor. I see similar things today with actress Megan Fox, and my response is, "What are you thinking? You're gross, all right, but you skipped all the sexy." Megan Fox is no Jenny McCarthy. That's for sure.

6. Salma Hayek

I met Salma Hayek in the 1995 film Desperado, the same year I met her body double. She was beautiful and voluptuous and her accent sounded exotic, and for a boy of thirteen years who was writing letters to comic books about his emotional attachment to furry mutants she was everything you could ever want in a woman. Today she's one of the most attractive 40-somethings in Hollywood. I wonder if her body double can say the same...

7. Sarah Michelle Gellar

I was so head over heels in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar when I was a teenager. I had posters of her in my room. I watched every movie she ever put out, including Vanilla Fog, which totally sucked. I wrote her into my superhero movie Leaderman as "Sarah Michelle Gellar, TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer," who would be played by whoever I could get to act in my movie with a bag over her head. Maybe this is normal for teenage girls, but it is disturbing to think that I was certain Gellar and I would end up together. But that ended up being Freddie Prinz Junior's lot.

8. Brooke Burke

For any kid whose parents couldn't afford or wouldn't allow Premium channels, Wild On (1997-2003) and the occasional late night Girls Gone Wild infomercials had a great deal of value. But Wild On's host Brooke Burke was more than softer than soft-core. She was adorable and charming. She had a perfect voice for a host of a television program. Where other women would have been holding their audiences by the crotch, Burke held us by our hearts. When she decided that she wanted to move on with her life, she helped the program to select another host, but after Brooke the appeal was gone. We learned that people didn't watch Wild On because of the interesting locations and parties, or even because of the beautiful half-naked people who came on air after your parents went to sleep. People watched Wild On for the lovely Brooke Burke.

9. Katie Holmes

Time line of my love affair with Katie Holmes: I first encountered Holmes while watching the pilot of Dawson's Creek on the WB in 1998. Later that year, she was the bad girl whose boob gets grabbed in Disturbing Behavior. In 2000 I see her topless in the movie The Gift. She and I are on-again (Dawson's Creek), off-again (Batman Begins) until 2005. That's when I lose her to Tom Cruise and she loses her sanity. It was good while it lasted.

No comments:

Post a Comment