Postcard 2010: Dating

During Spring Break 2010, I found myself in Roswell, New Mexico, in a hotel with three friends, Stephan, Adam and Tom. Stephan was at the time and remains in a happy relationship, but he was the only one. In fact, the rest of us were all reeling from recent break-ups. If we were honest with ourselves we were searching desperately for something new but we were each hamstringed by some sort of emotional unreadiness. This trip was all about being honest with ourselves.

I can say without exaggeration that during the first half of 2010 much of my consciousness was devoted to readying myself for love. At the end of the winter semester I traveled to New York City and used the metropolis as my laboratory. I grew a culture of confidence and charm there, powering up like Superman aside Earth's yellow sun. Upon returning to Grand Rapids, I released these energies upon an unsuspecting woman named Amy.

Amy is my current girlfriend, and I've ret-conned her into the position of love-of-my-life 1982 to current. After an exciting and passionate summer together and a difficult autumn apart, we rang in the New Year in one another's arms. I don't expect I'll ever need to find a new love. I may be foolish to suggest this after only eight months, but I prefer to see it as bold or courageous, heroic even, but most of all accurate.

Veteran's Day, Difficult Day

Veteran's Day is a very difficult day for me. It's a day of paradoxes and strained conscience. As a citizen of this great nation I want to celebrate the heroes who secure my existence and my way of life. As a human being I mourn all who have ever died on either side of any war and I hurt with the families who can never forgive their enemy. I am confused by the fact that any anti-military sentiment that might pop up into my mind is only possible because of all the people who fight and die to preserve that freedom of conscience for me.

My immediate thought this Veteran's Day was that we need to raise up those soldiers of character and moral compass, that we need to share the stories of their exemplary lives, and that these stories will serve to criticize those soldiers that we read about every so often who act against the preservation of human rights and dignity. Abu Ghraib returns to me again and again, haunting me, standing as a banner that unites all crimes against humanity, as an exemplar of what we can never do again. Against these horrors I place those individuals I admire, the Joe DeBoers and Chris and Cody Pearsons of our military. My belief was that America's armed forces, were they comprised only of people like those I have listed, good soldiers with proven moral fiber, would serve this country without the blemish of another Abu Ghraib.

While I have neither the desire nor the ability to simply forget or explain away the variety of crimes that I am referring to under the name of Abu Ghraib, I don't believe that we can divide the military into the good guys and the bad guys. Even those individuals who went against the laws of war (quite a paradoxical concept in itself), to paraphrase a common Facebook status, wrote a blank check to this country payable for up to and including their lives. On a day like today, on Veteran's Day, we need to recognize this sacrifice also. We must never reduce the entire life of a soldier to one crime. Otherwise we forget that these people faced an everyday reality more horrifying than anything most of us have ever faced, and that they did it for our sake.

The longer I talk about the military, the more I feel unqualified to talk about the military. In the end, everything I know on the topic is something I've heard from someone else. While writing this piece I kept feeling like I should tear it up and throw it away. (I prepare most of my essay blog posts in a notebook before I type them out.) What right do I have to say anything at all on Veteran's Day? Two things come to my mind: 1. that the people we celebrate today live and die to give me the chance to have a freely formed opinion on war, the armed forces, and soldiers, and 2. that the story of my grandfather Paul Slater and his military service during World War II requires that I continue to add my voice to the discussion of these hard issues.

Having landed at Cherburg shortly after D-Day, my grandfather had already proved himself in combat with the 44th Infantry Division of the U.S. Army by the time that America began contemplating the nuclear option as a means of ending World War II. There was another option on the table, however: the American forces could engage in a multi-wave invasion of Tokyo. Under this scenario my grandfather would have fought and likely died during the second wave of the invasion. The expected percentage of casualties, as I've been told, was well over half, after all. If Paul Slater died in 1945 or 1946 then none of his children would have ever been born, which means my mother's birth in 1947 would have been erased and as a result I would not exist. I am literally "the runaway son of the nuclear A bomb," to borrow from the song "Search and Destroy" by Iggy Pop and the Stooges. The condition for my existence is every death that resulted from the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

As a child of the mushroom cloud, I recognize that my most valued possession, my life, is only possible as a result of the sacrifice of others. Like my grandfather, I am a survivor, and as such, I face the survivor's dilemma. I wish to live - I always wish to live - but why should I live and not the innocents of Hiroshima and Nagasaki? This is the unanswerable question that plagues my existence, the unanswerable question that gives me a voice in this discussion.

There is no easy word to be said on Veteran's Day. There is no Facebook application or widget that can speak to the gravity of today. My conscience still hurts when I hear of our soldiers dehumanizing our nation's enemies. But it also hurts when we do not honor the people who protect our families so we don't have to, when we dehumanize soldiers by protesting their funerals or calling them "baby killers," reducing them to less than human, to one action. Every word I've said today has been wrangled from a very difficult inner struggle, from a battle that I've never been able to pull out of. In this way I am a soldier of a very different kind, but I certainly don't deserve the same kind of credit.

I support our troops by exercising my freedom. I value them by speaking with the voice they have given me.

* * *

This blog was written in memory of my grandfather Paul Slater, who died on November 8, 1984, some forty years after he was saved by the nuclear bombs from a death far from home. I never really knew him and yet he was the first person I ever wanted to be like. Paul Slater is my past and my future. I hope to live a life worthy of his legacy, for my own sake, for the sake of those who love him, for the sake of the nation that he served, and for the sake of all humanity. I am thinking of Paul Slater today. May he rest in peace.

My Nine True Loves of the '90s

1. Marie Fredriksson

My first contact with Marie Fredriksson was through her voice. And that was honestly enough. The Swedish female lead singer for Roxette is responsible for some of the best pop songs of the 90s. I was already in love when I saw the music video for "Joyride" (1991), but seeing her beautiful face and sexy figure was something of a re-affirmation. It must have been love. (But it's over now. My love for Marie Fredriksson expired when she started looking like she's old enough to be my mother. But I'll always have the 90s, right?)

2. Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

If you've read my blog before, you know that I have always been a fan of Saved by the Bell (1989-1993). Tiffani Amber-Thiessen might be the first woman I ever really fell in love with. Either her or April O'Neil. It's pretty decisive, however, that Thiessen was the first non-animated human being I ever fell in love with. I was like every other male I knew. I wanted to be Zack Morris, and I wanted Kelly Kapowski on my arm.

3. Lara Flynn Boyle

The short shelf life of actress Lara Flynn Boyle is one of the truly sad stories of Hollywood. There was only a short period of time between Boyle as a child and Boyle as a skeleton of a person, but within that short period of time is the entire series of Twin Peaks (1990-1991) and the film Wayne's World (1992). To paraphrase Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, the vitality of Lara Flynn Boyle lived in the flicker, but it certainly has not lasted as long as the old earth keeps rolling.

4. Gillian Anderson

Gillian Anderson is the quintessential science fiction babe. You may love your Zoe Saldana or your Summer Glau or your Tricia Helfer, but if Mulder never had a Scully this world would be a very different place. Ever since X-Files (1993-2002, 2008), there have been plenty of beautiful women who realize that they can gain a great deal of success by appealing to nerds like us. You can love them all, but if you're anything like me, then one of your earliest sci-fi loves is certainly Gillian Anderson.

5. Jenny McCarthy

The first time I saw Jenny McCarthy was on MTV's Singled Out (1995-1997). She was that kind of girl who could be gross and still be sexy. I remember a spread of photos taken of Jenny McCarthy on a toilet, and it just seemed normal: a beautiful woman with a sense of humor. I see similar things today with actress Megan Fox, and my response is, "What are you thinking? You're gross, all right, but you skipped all the sexy." Megan Fox is no Jenny McCarthy. That's for sure.

6. Salma Hayek

I met Salma Hayek in the 1995 film Desperado, the same year I met her body double. She was beautiful and voluptuous and her accent sounded exotic, and for a boy of thirteen years who was writing letters to comic books about his emotional attachment to furry mutants she was everything you could ever want in a woman. Today she's one of the most attractive 40-somethings in Hollywood. I wonder if her body double can say the same...

7. Sarah Michelle Gellar

I was so head over heels in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar when I was a teenager. I had posters of her in my room. I watched every movie she ever put out, including Vanilla Fog, which totally sucked. I wrote her into my superhero movie Leaderman as "Sarah Michelle Gellar, TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer," who would be played by whoever I could get to act in my movie with a bag over her head. Maybe this is normal for teenage girls, but it is disturbing to think that I was certain Gellar and I would end up together. But that ended up being Freddie Prinz Junior's lot.

8. Brooke Burke

For any kid whose parents couldn't afford or wouldn't allow Premium channels, Wild On (1997-2003) and the occasional late night Girls Gone Wild infomercials had a great deal of value. But Wild On's host Brooke Burke was more than softer than soft-core. She was adorable and charming. She had a perfect voice for a host of a television program. Where other women would have been holding their audiences by the crotch, Burke held us by our hearts. When she decided that she wanted to move on with her life, she helped the program to select another host, but after Brooke the appeal was gone. We learned that people didn't watch Wild On because of the interesting locations and parties, or even because of the beautiful half-naked people who came on air after your parents went to sleep. People watched Wild On for the lovely Brooke Burke.

9. Katie Holmes

Time line of my love affair with Katie Holmes: I first encountered Holmes while watching the pilot of Dawson's Creek on the WB in 1998. Later that year, she was the bad girl whose boob gets grabbed in Disturbing Behavior. In 2000 I see her topless in the movie The Gift. She and I are on-again (Dawson's Creek), off-again (Batman Begins) until 2005. That's when I lose her to Tom Cruise and she loses her sanity. It was good while it lasted.

Adam Friedli's Memories That Are Totally Real*

*Full title that was too long to be a title: Memories That Are Totally Real, and Not Fake, Because Why Else Would I Call Them Memories, Memories

In this photo: Real Hair, Justin, It's All Real

So, there was this one time when Justin was like, "Amy, come out and play-ay..." It was pretty comical, because he didn't say "play" like you usually would say it.

Ha.

In this photo: Still Pretty Real, Justin

However, this didn't get the response he was looking for. "I'll need to try this from a different...'angle'..." he thought by speaking out loud at a different angle. So...then...and then Justin came up with an idea! "Hehehe, see, here I'm now by myself, uh, uhhh talking to myself..."

In this photo: Listening for The Safety Dance, but found Justin instead., Amy, A Real Light. This is how you know I am telling the truth.

"Hey! That's...that's chaos theory!!!" sprouted Amy, who also just happened to be in this frozen tundra maze. They both agreed the maze was unsafe and far too cold, and...wait...what was up with Justin's hair? And that's the story of how Justin and Amy met.

In this photo: Very Effective and Warm Coat, Justin

Do you remember that one time when I dared Justin to not sit in the snow for hours on end but he did it anyway just to demonstrate his philosophizing skills? Well, guess who's philosophizing now?! Justin, because he's still alive. This picture was caught in mid-sneeze. It's confusing that way, but that was part of his philosophizing process he told me. He said it also demonstrated his immense love for Amy the best. Ah yes, I thought, because that is the face of a man in love if I ever saw one.

In this photo: Jared, He's in the woods if you look VERY closely. Look closelier., Adam, Amy, Justin

Oh man. Road trips and airplane food, am I right? Probably. And probably this was one of the best trips ever conceived by anyone. We were heading to...NOT Medieval Times. I remember that much because Amy was saying, "Why is Adam wearing that Medicinal Times hat? Am I right?" Then Justin said, "We better watch out because I'm driving here and I forgot to bring my Marginal Times hat that helps me find proper directions. Am I left?" I just kept scrunching my face and moving my beard, because that seemed like the right thing to do. And that's the story of Amy and Justin's first date. I know, because I was there.

In this photo: The 2nd UNO Night, Interstellar Water Bottle, Amy, The Power to Destroy Heavenly Bodies, Justin, UNO Night, Maybe a Bit of a Couch

Back in the year 2000, there was this undiscovered astronomical phenomenon that defied all logic of time and space. We'll call it a "star." Jump forward to 2006. Nothing happened. Now go to 2009. Stuff happened, but not good enough. Now go to 2010. We're already there. Guess what? You just traveled through time. How? Well, you were in "now" a little while ago. But now, You're in NOW now. Where is that? It's right here. And here...here is where the story takes place. But what's a story? It's a collection of truths. Like when Justin and Amy blasted apart a star. You didn't hear? So check it out. They caused a supernova...with their love. And some Champagne. It's crazy, I know. It's crazy. But you want to know the craziest part? Get ready. UNO Night...without any UNO. What is that?! It's still an UNO Night. Exactly. Well, luckily none of this madness ever happened again, because you can only blow up a star once like that...

...or can you?

Thus concludes the first installation of Adam Friedli's Memories That Are Totally Real. I've received word that there are several more forthcoming story arcs in the series, so stay tuned to Cavemengo for more from Adam Friedli.

Justin Tiemeyer: A Straight Ally

The thing I've noticed about coming out is that you have to keep coming out. It's not something that can be accomplished by speaking up once. You have to tell the world, sometimes one person at a time, who you are, and you have to educate them to understand that it's OK to be who you are. I came out as a straight ally while living in Toledo in 2006 as a member of Equality Ohio. A straight ally is a heterosexual individual who declares to the world, to put it simply, that gay is good.

I was a straight ally long before I made my declaration in 2006, and I have never stopped. I am currently enrolled in seminary, however, and recently a fellow seminarian Christopher Thomas called out on Facebook for straight allies to come out, that it does more good than anyone can imagine. I realized at that moment that if there was any doubt in anyone's mind that I am allied with the LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning) community then I am not, in fact, out. I would like to leave the closet here and now, to tell you that I am a straight ally and that it's OK to be a straight ally (even, and especially, from a Christian Biblical point-of-view).

The reason that I am writing today is to tell you that the bullying that LGBTQ individuals, that same bullying that is on the news daily as resulting in LGBTQ suicides - this bullying is something that I have no tolerance for. At the same time, this bullying is not the worst thing I see in reference to current events. The real evil is that the community surrounding these bullied individuals cannot support their own and thus is no community at all. Across the board LGBTQ individuals are being told that who they are is not acceptable. To the question of their existence, they are given a resounding, "NO!" A professor of mine at Brite Divinity School, Dr. Toni Craven, responding to current events, stated that a church ought to be a place of refuge or it ought not to be. With all respect, Dr. Craven, I'll do you one better: a family ought to love and support their own no matter who they turn out to be, not despite of differences but because of differences. If state, religious community, family and neighbor alike take a stand against LGBTQ, then we deny the people we love any home on this planet.

I am not condoning suicide by any means; I believe there is always a reason to live. I am writing first and foremost to prevent suicide. At this point we need to recognize that we do not stop suicide simply by repeating over and over that God turns God's back on a suicide. We must do so by becoming a refuge to those without a home. A woman once told me that her nephew, a closeted homosexual, recently confided in her that he was scared to live in his own home. While watching the news, his Catholic parents made it obvious that there is one place where gays belong, and that is in hell. How can her nephew both honor his parents the way he's been taught in his catechism and at the same time be the person he truly is? This story points to the fact that there's a good probability that every one of us has a close and important relationship with someone who is LGBTQ. In light of this understanding, we must recognize that in nearly every situation where we "harmlessly" spout anti-LGBTQ speech we alienate someone who deserves our love, support and respect.

If you can't tell, this discussion is personal for me. It's not my place to out another individual, but there I am closer to homosexuals and bisexuals than you can imagine. I also recognize that I may have children who are in some way LGBTQ and I couldn't be more excited about this fact - they get the chance to courageously declare to the world who they are on their own terms. At the same time I am sickened that we do not live in a world where my children can be themselves and be supported and adored by others in this world in the same way that I, their father, support and adore them. In other words, as a straight ally I feel much like a mother bear, and when bigots spread hate-speech and intolerance of the LGBTQ community, they find themselves messing with my cubs. I believe you can figure out the rest of the metaphor without my help.

In conclusion, if you have a respectful argument to post, I will respond to you in my upcoming blog posts. But it must be known that this is a small place in cyberspace where those who can't find support in this world can find refuge. It's not enough, but it's certainly a start. As a straight ally I am an advocate for the LGBTQ community. Attacks against arguments will always be respected and addressed; attacks against people (ad hominem) will not. I ask everyone to join with me in creating a place of refuge for the LGBTQ community, a group of people who have done amazing things for the world and who summon up heaps of courage every day just stepping outside, a group of people who deserve every heterosexual individual on the planet as their straight allies.

Retcon Files: Lovewarp

Sometimes (Plug your ears: I'm about to destroy a metaphor) it is necessary to put the wagon in front of the horse, if only temporarily. Without figurative language, perhaps this will make more sense. I think a person would be a fool not to imagine possible futures. I don't think it's idiotic, for example, to imagine being happy with a woman for the rest of my life after dating her for a matter of months. I am one of many lovers who has seen this beautiful reality in his mind's eye. As a result, I've said time and again that time travel is likely to be invented by someone who is in love. This is the occasion of the newest installation of Retcon Files, because when your future is full to the brim with love a desire arises to fill the past with the same.

I met Amy the same evening I returned to Michigan for the summer. As a result I saw that the entire span of my life from birth to mid-May in 2010 had been empty of that strange passionate certainty that I felt the first time I saw her. The feelings I have for Amy are such that I can put aside my desire to preserve the space-time continuum in order to change this fact, to extend the influence of Amy into my past. The thing about shattering space-time for the sake of romantic ideas is that you need to choose the right place and time for your travels. I would be a fool if I knocked on Amy's door in 1996 only to find that she was on vacation. The embarrassment would last only until reality itself collapsed, which probably wouldn't take too long. In order to avoid unnecessary cataclysm I would travel back in time to my brother Micah's middle school talent show, a memory Amy and I have shared on several occasions. From two different vantage points, we watched Micah walk out into the crowd sporting shiny rock star pants, playing his electric bass with a wireless setup.

Now that my hypothetical self has traveled back in time to this talent show, I quake at the idea of destroying time. That would mean I'd destroy the Amy-future that started this whole thing. And a bunch of other things, I guess. But I've gone all this way back in time. I've got to do something. I pull myself aside and tell past me, "You're going to fall in love some day and it's going to last as long as you live. Oh, by the way, I'm future you. The woman of your dreams is in this very room. You don't get to meet her yet, but she's coming. All those girls who break your heart - you don't have to cry over them. You're one of the few who gets a happy ending to his story. So, be happy." Past-me walks away confident in love, but frustrated that even future-me is incapable of growing cool facial hair.

On second thought, I think I'd tell my mom. Even though past-me was an X-Files fan (First run!), he would be far too skeptical of future-me. My mom, however, would recognize me immediately. That's how well she knows me. Thinking further, I've concluded that future-me already went back in time and talked to my mom. I feel certain of this because I was once completely destroyed following a difficult break-up with my first love, and my mom was so sure that I'd find someone better. She knew that if a woman broke up with me, she wasn't The One, and the only possible consequence was that I'd find someone better. I used to wonder how my mom could see this as so obvious. The most logical explanation I can come up with is that her son from the future told her. Neither Amy or I knew we'd meet. Thank goodness someone did.

My Six True Loves of the '80s

1. Phoebe Cates

Most of you know her from Fast Times at Ridgmont High (1982) and think of her every time you hear the song "Moving in Stereo" by The Cars. I actually fell in love with Phoebe Cates after watching Gremlins (1984) and Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990).

2. Elisabeth Shue

With the combined weight of The Karate Kid (1984) and Adventures in Babysitting (1987) it was awfully hard not to fall in love with Elisabeth Shue in the '80s.

3. Apollonia

Not only did Purple Rain (1984) set the standard for every music movie that would come in the following decades; it also introduced us to Apollonia Kotero. In a decade full of beautiful girls, Apollonia was the first woman I ever fell in love with.

4. Mia Sara

I'm a freak. If you ask me what my favorite movies of the '80s are I'm not very likely to rank Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) very high. It's common for me to miss Ferris Bueller references that you will make. The movie just didn't do as much for me as it did for you. But Mia Sara certainly had the look. She could have been in The Toxic Avenger (1984) or Return of the Killer Tomatoes (1988) and I would have fallen in love with her.

5. Jennifer Connelly

Jennifer Connelly had me forever after Labyrinth (1986). Thank goodness. Jennifer Connelly is the right '80s actress to be immortally bonded to, especially seeing her exemplary performances and growth as an actress that follows in the next few decades. Connelly remains to this day a force to be reckoned with in the realm of acting and beauty, even long after David Bowie decided to bless her career with his magic goblin wand (Was that in poor taste? You have to admit that David Bowie's nether regions were kind of the star of that movie...).

6. Jami Gertz

Traditionally there are two kinds of women that have always captured the hearts of men: those who are mysterious and those who need to be rescued. Jami Gertz was both when she played the love interest in The Lost Boys (1987). Who among you didn't dream of being Jason Patric in that movie just so you could be a beautiful man who wins the heart of the mysterious vampire groupie?