I think about a world to come where the books were found by the golden ones, written in pain, written in awe by a puzzled man who questioned, "What are we here for?" All the strangers came today and it looks as though they're here to stay.

-David Bowie "Oh! You Pretty Things"

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Justin Tiemeyer's Law of the Internet

In September I wrote a blog entry titled Chronologically LOST in which I linked my internet public to a web site of the same name and wrote a short introduction that explained my history with LOST and the need for such a site. While I certainly did not intend for this to be the focus of the entry, a lot of attention has been paid to one particular sentence:
There is a new kind of law since the advent of the internet that if you can think of something, it's already on the internet
A short while later I attended an ice cream party at my apartment complex. (Yes, my apartment complex has ice cream parties!) I think I had peach ice cream. That's not the point. One of my most brilliant graduate school friends, Arthur Stewart, commented on my post and referred specifically to the Justin Tiemeyer's Law of the Internet. "Woah," I said. "I didn't invent the law. I merely heard it from someone else." As we discussed the idea, however, it became obvious that this thing we had stumbled upon needed a name. Since I couldn't cite anyone prior to me as the originator of the concept, I, Justin Tiemeyer, became the earliest reference that anyone could remember.

In a strange circular way, however, the title Justin Tiemeyer's Law of the Internet was justified. If you doubt me, type the phrase "if you can think of something, it's already on the internet" (the quotes assure that you find the exact phrase instead of simply keywords) into Google. You will find two entries, the first being my initial assertion in the Chronologically LOST post and the second being a reference to my original post by my friend Josh Toulouse on his blog Retrospective Reflections. (Upon publication of this post, there will probably be at least three references to this phrase on Google, the third being the very post that you are reading.)

I imagined a presentation of LOST in chronological order as opposed to narrative order, and before I knew it I had access to that very presentation without any work on my part. Josh imagined a cross between a Minotaur and a Centaur called a Min-Centaur and was able to find pictures of such a creature with a simple Google search. Since I have decided to take ownership of this Law of the Internet I would like to convince you that it is true in all cases. Anything that you can imagine is already on the internet. Give it a shot yourself. You'll find that it's true.

I imagine that many of you scientists out there have already raised the question, "What happens if I imagine something and I am not able to find it on the internet? What happens to Justin Tiemeyer's Law of the Internet if a counter-example can be found?" I thought about this ahead of time. A counter-example to my law is simply impossible. You see, Christian Science sets a precedent, a ridiculous precedent of course, but a precedent that I intend to follow in maintaining my law. When you have a law, you can defend it however you want, but this one's mine and here's how I'm going to defend it. According to Christian Science, those who become ill will become well again through prayer and faith. If one does not become well through prayer and faith, there would seem to be a problem with Christian Science. Not so. Christian Science says that any such problem is a problem with you: You're not praying right. You don't have faith. You don't truly believe in God's power of healing. Similarly in the case of Justin Tiemeyer's Law of the Internet. If you cannot find what you're looking for the fault is with you. Perhaps you're not very good at expressing what you're imagining. Perhaps you just aren't using the best possible internet searching techniques. This can be summed up simply as, "Don't go messing with my law. If it doesn't seem to work it's user error on your part."

The internet contains all of the wondrous landscapes of the human mind. You just have to look in the right place to find them. If you're looking for lesbian sex scenes between Super Mario's Princess Peach and Princess Daisy, you won't have to look far. If you're looking for Wonder Woman she-male sex scenes, you won't have to look far. (Wait a minute! Most of these are porn. Is the internet all about porn?) The thoughts of the entire world are at your fingertips. How amazing and horrendous! Such are apt words to describe Justin Tiemeyer's Law of the Internet.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. All right Cyberspace Guru, I’m intrigued by your Law of the Internet. There’s no doubt that cyberspace presents us with a world that runs differently than old conventions suggest. In that way, I get the parallels to Christian Science. But a deeper understanding of Christian Science would cause you to adjust your comments about it. Christian Science does not put blame on anyone. If you’re going to place blame when life comes up short, let’s put it on any shortcomings in the education we’ve received. If you’re praying and not getting progress and healing, you need to KEEP praying and maybe bring in some help, since more enlightenment is what will put our lives in a better spot. And similarly, rather than give up when an Internet search turns up nothing, no one is to blame. Whether or not you try another search engine, you just keep looking - unless of course, you’re investigating something pointless. In that case, find better ways to spend your time.