I think about a world to come where the books were found by the golden ones, written in pain, written in awe by a puzzled man who questioned, "What are we here for?" All the strangers came today and it looks as though they're here to stay.

-David Bowie "Oh! You Pretty Things"

Monday, December 6, 2010

Five Guys Burgers and Fries

The story of my visit to Five Guys is first and foremost a mathematical story problem. On Sunday evenings, I play Dungeons and Dragons with a group of buddies. On one particular Sunday I had the idea that we could share some fellowship around a different table, a table at Five Guys Burger and Fries on Hulen by the mall. I invited my six friends, Josh, Adam, David, Dustin, Chad and Randy to accompany me on my first voyage to this particular burger joint. Dustin had to work and Chad had a previous dinner engagement, but the rest of us hopped in a car and drove on out to Five Guys. How many people, including myself, went to eat at Five Guys?

The answer is five guys. Five guys went that day to eat at Five Guys.

I'm writing this blog today not for the sake of promoting arithmetic to a population that finds story problems annoying, but to tell you that the five guys that went out to dinner that evening found themselves incredibly satisfied with their Five Guys experience.

Prior to arriving at Five Guys I did some research online. This is because I found it difficult to believe that a fast food restaurant could be anywhere near as good as my buddy Josh boasted. I came across a ranking of the best fast food by Zagat Survey and Five Guys was rated number one in fast food hamburgers and number two in fast food french fries behind McDonalds. In-N-Out Burger, the only fast food burger place I'd ever heard anyone rave about prior to the Five Guys hubbub was ranked right behind Five Guys for both burgers and fries. I also came across possibly the most creative review I've ever read of any restaurant ever: "Willy Wonka's of Burgercraft" (Washingtonpost.com 2000).

The normal Hamburger at Five Guys is what would be called a double at other restaurants, equipped with two beef patties and your choice of toppings. If two beef patties is two much (PUN!) then you should order the Little Hamburger, which is more like a single at other restaurants than it is like a kid's hamburger. I ordered a cheeseburger with mayo, lettuce, pickles, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, ketchup and mustard (this is the standard Five Guys "everything" or "all the way" only I asked them to hold the tomatoes). It was probably the best fast food burger I had ever eaten, and not only that, but it was probably the second or third best burger I've eaten in Fort Worth, and I've eaten at some of the most respected gourmet burger restaurants in the city. The burger was huge and dense and the meat tasted fantastic. The grilled onions, mushrooms, and pickles really complemented the taste.

As for french fries, there are two choices, Five Guys style or Cajun style. Both are fantastic. The Five Guys style fries are the ones that are pictured below, but I really think that the Cajun style fries are the best choice. All french fries are hand cut and cooked in peanut oil, but the Cajun style is covered in Cajun seasoning, and that's what makes the difference. Another thing that separates Five Guys from other burger restaurants is the huge serving sizes for the french fries. A regular sized fries is enough to feed two normal-sized people (or one and a half Justin Tiemeyers - I'm kind of a big dude), and though I don't know how many the large will feed, because I've never ordered one myself, I would imagine that it feeds one and a half Cloverfields.

I've been to Five Guys twice now, and I keep forgetting to order The Obama. While doing my research, I stumbled across an article where President Barack Obama was seen ordering burgers for him and his staff in a Washington DC Five Guys. I really enjoyed this article because it answered the question I would like to know if I saw President Obama at Five Guys, namely, what's Obama's favorite burger? To answer this question, the article explains that Obama prefers his Five Guys cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, jalapeno peppers and mustard. While I have yet to order The Obama, my friend Gabe managed to order one when I took him to Five Guys this week. He took one bite and told me that the burger tasted like change.

I never thought chain food could taste this good. Five Guys Burgers and Fries can be found in forty US states and five Canadian provinces. I can't vouch for every single location, but I can vouch for the following location(s):

Five Guys Burgers and Fries - Fishers
11670 Commercial Dr. Suite 600
Fishers, IN 46038

Five Guys Burgers and Fries - Hulen Corner
4833 S. Hulen Street
Fort Worth, TX 76132

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