I think about a world to come where the books were found by the golden ones, written in pain, written in awe by a puzzled man who questioned, "What are we here for?" All the strangers came today and it looks as though they're here to stay.

-David Bowie "Oh! You Pretty Things"

Monday, December 20, 2010

Adam Friedli's Memories That Are Totally Real 2

In this photo: Justinyote: Creativious Awesomosius, Justin, Amy Runner: Femalious Mostexcellentacius, Amy

Justin and Amy are pretty big fans of the outdoors. If they are not, then I have no idea why they were doing this. It wouldn't make any sense. But since this does make sense, they were playing their usual game of who can get to dinner first. And they always freeze-frame while doing this and look into what I suppose is a camera. But there is never a camera there. If something doesn't make sense, it's that. And let's talk about what they make appear as their captions under their names. Seriously. Can you get ANY more egotistical than that? But they're both good people. I'll let it slide. Again.

In this photo: Amy, Justin

Oh man. I remember this. He totally tripped while running at superhuman speeds to beat Amy to dinner. This. This right here. This is EXACTLY why you are always told NOT to run with sharp objects. Look what happens. They get stuck in the pavement. The fact that this can even happen means Justin really knows how to shop. Can your fork and knife do this? No way. So for all of your utensil shopping needs, consult Justin "Awesome, my knife is in the pavement!" Tiemeyer. He's got you covered. But this isn't even the point. And yes, I have a point on its way. That's the whole point of memories anyway, isn't it? Well, don't run with sharp objects, because there is no way he ever got those out of the pavement. They're probably still there somewhere on I-96. And I guess you could lose a hand or an eye too. Too much screwing around...

In this photo: Justin, Amy

Amy: "So...whatcha planning on doing with that anvil?"
Justin: "..."

Amy: "I've never known you to have any interest in anvils."
Justin: "..."

Amy: "It would almost seem like you are trying to hide something from me."
Justin: "..."
He was. He was hiding some presents in the anvil. He didn't think she would be so suspicious. He still looks pretty normal to me. His cover is still perfectly intact.

Amy: "Why are you hiding presents from me?"
Justin: "..."

And that's how Amy ruined AND killed Christmas all at the same time, simultaneously, in one fell swoop. Wait...no. No, that was a different time. And possibly a different person altogether. I don't even remember this.

In this photo: Adam, Justin, Amy

Unfortunately for Justin, white men CAN jump. He wasn't sure if he could do it, but he did. Amy and I were definitely impressed, even though we appear to be looking at something on the ground? I don't understand. Why, if someone had just jumped clean through solid rock with their head, would you not be looking at that? ... Oh, I remember now! It's pretty hard to stay cool after smashing through elevated earth crust like he did, so Justin tried to lessen the blow by telling a joke. He was like, "Hey Adam, I bet this nearly made you lose your head..." Amy thought it was in pretty bad taste. I personally thought it was hilarious. But it's a little difficult to not look at the ground when you're in my position.

In this photo: Adam, Justin, Amy

Knowing what to expect, Justin readied himself to jump again. And this time, we all decided to look as cool as we possibly could while it happened. Did we succeed? I don't know. Do trains live inside of mountains until a tunnel is painted on the outside to release them? Yup. Just look at those glasses. There is nothing keeping them on Justin's face except the rule of magnetism between two entities of awesome. And no scratches either. Amazing. This rule of magnetism applies to people as well. How else could Justin and Amy have found each other so easily? From this picture alone, I mean, memory alone, it is plain to see how well they gel together. Anyway, we were all looking pretty ice cold that day. What was I doing? Well, I wanted to look up and look cool at the same time, so I did a flip for the sole purpose of looking up. You can have your fancy necks. I flip to look up.

In this photo: Amy

Being so remarkably cooler than cool gets exhausting after awhile, so Amy decided to call it a night. Which in hindsight was weird, because it was still daytime. I guess it's always daytime here though. Interesting... So, on her walk home she noticed something peculiar on the ground. A bowl of seeds with a sign sticking out of it? Nah, there's nothing weird about this. She went to check it out. It read, "More free lovin." Ah, she thought, it must be from Justin! And it was. He was working earlier to get this gift ready for her as a surprise. She realized she couldn't wait until tomorrow and had to tell him immediately that she found it and how much she loved the subtle reference...

In this photo: Justin, The Power of Unwanted Biological Regeneration, Amy

Amy: "So, were you sowing something earlier today?"
Justin: "Whatever do you mean, my dear?"
He was doing his best to hide his growing smirk by keeping his face focused on his book.

It didn't work. His smile was wider than a size 1500-font capital "W".

She made his head spin so fast up from his book that it made his hair stand up on end and emulate the shape of a human hand. With nail polish. There are ways. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.

In this photo: Amy, Justin

Justin gets the craziest ideas sometimes. And that is why we all love him of course. But come on. How many times have his purchases from ACME worked as advertised? Actually, what advertising do they have? I have never seen an ACME infomercial before. Have you? What is their advertising budget? Do they have one? Obviously that crazy coyote on TV orders their products...wait. Whoa. Those cartoons...are the infomercials. Holy crap.

Amy: "Are you sure you know what you are doing?"
Justin: "I already philosophized the outcome and combined it with Prince and LOST. I can't lose."

Amy: "Even though your tail that you really shouldn't have is on fire?"
Justin: "Yes. That is all part of it. This is the best way to light the fuse."

Amy: "Did you read the manual?"
Justin: "There wasn't one. I philosophized my own, and I am following it exactly. This includes the glasses and hat."

Amy: "What hat?"
Justin: "It was too small, so I tied it around my head. I'll give you a head start, on my mark..."

Amy: "Ok. You be careful. And what mark?"
Justin: "Oh, you'll know."

Justin: "Ready...set...NIETZSCHE!!!!!"

In this photo: Justin, Amy

Well, Justin ended up being just fine, because he found his Delightfully (you can't see this since it is around the other side of the hat) Malevolent Times hat. And it turns out, the lack of said hat is the only reason the coyote runs into as many problems as he does. Remarkable. What a day it's been. And for you too. To have all the known properties of physics unabashedly bashed to bits must be unrelentingly entertaining. Now how did all this end?

Amy: "Where are we going?"
Justin: "We still need dinner right?"

Amy: "Absolutely. To your house?"
Justin: "Sounds marvelous."

Amy: "What are we having?"
Justin: "How about...cool beans?"

Amy: "Cool beans?"
Justin: "Yes. With Arnold."

Amy: "So like, Cool Beans." (said in classic Schwarzenegger fashion)
Justin: "Ha, yes. Cool Beans." (also said in classic Schwarzenegger fashion)

Justin: "Remember when I promised I would love you last?"
Amy: "That's right, Justin! You did!"

Justin: "...I lied..."

In this photo: Tom

(cue a theme that is both looney and also a little bit tuney)
Tom: "Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-That's all, folks! Serirousry. That's it. Look how seririrous I am. I scoff at the English language. That. Is. It. You know that one guy, Serial Sam? My favorite breakfast is Serial Sam Cereal with bits of real Serial, so you know it's good."

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