Phil Collins "One More Night"

Phil Collins, "One More Night" from No Jacket Required (1985: Atlantic)

Five Guys Burgers and Fries

The story of my visit to Five Guys is first and foremost a mathematical story problem. On Sunday evenings, I play Dungeons and Dragons with a group of buddies. On one particular Sunday I had the idea that we could share some fellowship around a different table, a table at Five Guys Burger and Fries on Hulen by the mall. I invited my six friends, Josh, Adam, David, Dustin, Chad and Randy to accompany me on my first voyage to this particular burger joint. Dustin had to work and Chad had a previous dinner engagement, but the rest of us hopped in a car and drove on out to Five Guys. How many people, including myself, went to eat at Five Guys?

The answer is five guys. Five guys went that day to eat at Five Guys.

I'm writing this blog today not for the sake of promoting arithmetic to a population that finds story problems annoying, but to tell you that the five guys that went out to dinner that evening found themselves incredibly satisfied with their Five Guys experience.

Prior to arriving at Five Guys I did some research online. This is because I found it difficult to believe that a fast food restaurant could be anywhere near as good as my buddy Josh boasted. I came across a ranking of the best fast food by Zagat Survey and Five Guys was rated number one in fast food hamburgers and number two in fast food french fries behind McDonalds. In-N-Out Burger, the only fast food burger place I'd ever heard anyone rave about prior to the Five Guys hubbub was ranked right behind Five Guys for both burgers and fries. I also came across possibly the most creative review I've ever read of any restaurant ever: "Willy Wonka's of Burgercraft" (Washingtonpost.com 2000).

The normal Hamburger at Five Guys is what would be called a double at other restaurants, equipped with two beef patties and your choice of toppings. If two beef patties is two much (PUN!) then you should order the Little Hamburger, which is more like a single at other restaurants than it is like a kid's hamburger. I ordered a cheeseburger with mayo, lettuce, pickles, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, ketchup and mustard (this is the standard Five Guys "everything" or "all the way" only I asked them to hold the tomatoes). It was probably the best fast food burger I had ever eaten, and not only that, but it was probably the second or third best burger I've eaten in Fort Worth, and I've eaten at some of the most respected gourmet burger restaurants in the city. The burger was huge and dense and the meat tasted fantastic. The grilled onions, mushrooms, and pickles really complemented the taste.

As for french fries, there are two choices, Five Guys style or Cajun style. Both are fantastic. The Five Guys style fries are the ones that are pictured below, but I really think that the Cajun style fries are the best choice. All french fries are hand cut and cooked in peanut oil, but the Cajun style is covered in Cajun seasoning, and that's what makes the difference. Another thing that separates Five Guys from other burger restaurants is the huge serving sizes for the french fries. A regular sized fries is enough to feed two normal-sized people (or one and a half Justin Tiemeyers - I'm kind of a big dude), and though I don't know how many the large will feed, because I've never ordered one myself, I would imagine that it feeds one and a half Cloverfields.

I've been to Five Guys twice now, and I keep forgetting to order The Obama. While doing my research, I stumbled across an article where President Barack Obama was seen ordering burgers for him and his staff in a Washington DC Five Guys. I really enjoyed this article because it answered the question I would like to know if I saw President Obama at Five Guys, namely, what's Obama's favorite burger? To answer this question, the article explains that Obama prefers his Five Guys cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, jalapeno peppers and mustard. While I have yet to order The Obama, my friend Gabe managed to order one when I took him to Five Guys this week. He took one bite and told me that the burger tasted like change.

I never thought chain food could taste this good. Five Guys Burgers and Fries can be found in forty US states and five Canadian provinces. I can't vouch for every single location, but I can vouch for the following location(s):

Five Guys Burgers and Fries - Fishers
11670 Commercial Dr. Suite 600
Fishers, IN 46038

Five Guys Burgers and Fries - Hulen Corner

4833 S. Hulen Street

Fort Worth, TX 76132

Rotten Tomatoes

Back in March I put my name behind Metacritic as the web site I trusted most for movie ratings, but since then Metacritic has gone through a face lift. I do not hate change in general, but I do have a problem when a web site's functionality gets tossed aside for the sake of a makeover. When Metacritic decided to get rid of its fantastic Advanced Search options and complicate the process of finding what I want to find, I began to seriously doubt whether it was the right place for me to go to find my movie ratings.

I've been experimenting with Rotten Tomatoes since the advent of Amy and there is a lot I like about this web site. It has advanced search options that make the new Metacritic look like a fool, but which are still not as awesome as the old, dead Metacritic. While it occasionally inflates the ratings of newer movies (especially animated films, but Metacritic also has this problem), it gives great ratings to older and more rare movies, many of which are not even included on Metacritic.

What's my conclusion? If you're looking up a new movie that you already know the title of and want to quickly check its rating, I would stick with Metacritic. For everything else, use Rotten Tomatoes.

Movie Ideas

Untitled Scavenger Hunt Film

A scavenger hunt movie, like Scavenger Hunt, only the guy who died is like a super-powered psychic who foresaw what items could be collected by any combination of strangers and lists, so he gathers together one particular group of strangers and lists in order to gather parts to some insane machine that resurrects him or does something cooler and more unexpected than resurrection.

Eve 6000

In an alternate future, the religious right gets its way and completes the transformation of the USA into a theocracy, and the first decree of the Holy 'Mercan Emperor is that since there aren't as many Eves on the planet as there are Adams there will be a lottery where certain people are forced to name their daughters Eve and things get all dystopian/1984/Anthem/Brave-New-World-ish because agreement becomes more important than liberty or whatever.

Iron Man: Behind the Mask

An action-packed Iron Man movie that takes place within Iron Man's armor and in real time where the back story and the actions of other characters are told via video feed and communications to the suit of Tony Stark who can't remember what has happened in the last 24 or 48 hours or more (he'd probably chalk it up to a heck of a hangover, but it would be revealed that it's so much more insidious than a hangover) while Iron Man is constantly threatened by enemy attack throughout the entire movie.

Hanging

An Indie-type film that takes place in a small apartment, narrated from the perspective of a telepathic hanging plant and based on the true story of Narrator, the telepathic hanging plant that Fiona and I had in our Brooklyn apartment.

Higher Education

 

A teen movie where gossip gets so widespread and efficient in a California high school that all the students develop telepathy and then some sort of plot ensues.

Megamind (2010)

Kevin Corrigan

Actor Kevin Corrigan. In recent history, he's been notable as Sam Weiss on FOX's Fringe and as Professor Professorson on NBC's Community, but the source of my love for Kevin Corrigan is an often forgotten show that aired from 2001 to 2005 called Grounded for Life. Corrigan has an incredible breadth of acting talents, from interesting to deep to hilarious, and he has, on occasion, jumped from one to the other with brilliant speed and ability.

Things '90s Kids Realize

There's a blog out there called Things 90s Kids Realize that speaks to a certain zeitgeist of the first full decade I ever experienced. (I was born almost three years too late to fully appreciate the 1980s, but if you have ever met me you'd probably never guess.) I suggest you check it out.

Below is just a snippet of what you'll find on this web site: