(In chronological order)
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The one thing that I can think of that distinguishes me from the other Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles acolytes of my generation is that I have memorized much of the album that was released by the joint effort of Pizza Hut and TMNT. If I were to become a rock star, there's a good chance I'd start a set with the tune "Pizza Power," which goes something like this: "Growing up in a glass bowl / with chameleons, lizards and tadpoles. / It hardly enters your mind / that there's something better than this."
2. Saved by the Bell
It took me 20 years before I ever kissed a girl, but when it happened I already knew what do do from watching Saved by the Bell. I've even been called a good kisser by a couple of ladies. Don't thank me, ladies. Thank Saved by the Bell. Oh, and thank me.
3. Full House
I've rarely been more angry with my father than the night of the series finale of Full House. The television show that I'd watched for so long on TGIF was going to end amazingly, and I would never know, because my father was determined to pre-empt the most important day of my life by watching a memorial tribute to Michael Landon. This was back before the days of DVR or free streaming. It was long before you could buy television programs on VHS or DVD. If I was to watch this episode, I would have to wait until it came back around in syndication. I ended up forgiving my father, but I wonder how much that has to do with the fact that I eventually was able to watch the emotional finale.
4. X-Men: The Animated Series
Micah had a bird named Petey. We kept him in a cage in the living room. I used to call him Piotr after Piotr Nikolaivich Rasputin (Colossus) or sometimes Pietro after Pietro Maximoff (Quicksilver), both characters on X-Men: The Animated Series. I remember the day of Petey's death, mainly because I think the television program that gave me so many nicknames for the bird was also responsible for his demise. One Saturday morning, Micah and I were getting ready for watching one of the last five episodes of the series, but first we had to feed Petey. Micah had the door to the cage open and was pouring in the food when we heard the theme song to our favorite cartoon. I began to run to the living room, and so did Micah, but when Petey's cage door shut it did so with Petey's foot in the door. The bird went into shock from the pain and died almost immediately. Were he Piotr he could have surrounded his foot in organic steel. Were he Pietro he could have moved his foot quickly out of the way. But he was Petey, and Petey is no more.
5. The Ren & Stimpy Show
Fourth-graders in Michigan are required to take a writing test called the MEAP (Michigan Educational Assessment Program). I can't remember what made me feel better, the joy that my MEAP writing test received the highest possible grade, the elation that came from hearing my writing read to the class as an example of how you ought to write, or the hilarious satisfaction that all this recognition came from an essay about the fact that if I could spend a day with anyone it would be bathing in kitty litter with Ren and Stimpy from the popular (original) Nicktoon.
6. X-Files
This past Spring Break while you were in Key West or Cancun I was in Roswell, New Mexico with a couple of my friends. We were determined to investigate X-Files while we were there. I can recount the particular X-Files that we dealt with because of the documentation I kept:
S01E01. Teyollocuani --- the mysterious "soul sucking" of nearby Lovington,
S01E02. Stranded --- fields of poison gas just outside of town --- a vehicle actually pursued us during this X-File),
S01E03. Monolith --- the strange UFO monument in someone's fields,
S01E04. Eis Ton Aionas Ton Aionon --- Stephan's dream that we'd drink McDonalds shamrock shakes together,
S01E05. Rumbles --- a strange occurrence whereby Adam showered in the evening and put the curtain on the inside of the tub and yet it was on the outside in the morning,
S01E06. Siphon --- a haunted hot tub that sucks the life out of those inside it, and
S01E07. Mirrors --- Stephan's missing pair of shoes.
7. FRIENDS
Immediate family was a different concept for us. According to most people's definition, it is the mother and the father and their children. According to my definition, it is the people you buy Christmas presents for every year: mom, dad, Micah, Smokey and Uncle Paul. There was a time when my immediate family got together once per week. It was Thursday night. Uncle Paul would come over and we'd eat pizza while watching FRIENDS. Micah now lives in North Carolina, I live in Texas, Smokey was put to sleep a couple years back, and FRIENDS completed its run long before that, but FRIENDS, in my memory, will always mark the golden age of my family.
8. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I think I first watched this show with Justin Metz. He had an episode or two from the first season on a VHS tape and we watched them together. I remember watching the episode "The Pack" in which a group of popular students and Xander get possessed by hyena spirits and turn into dicks. If I had watched that episode for the first time today I would probably comment on the brilliant juxtaposition of the supernatural with normal high school problems, the amazing wit and sheer brilliance of the writing. But back then I was going through puberty. All I could think of was the cute girl. I think I spent most of the episode saying, "Yeah! Yeah! Sniff her!" in a terrible Beavis and Butthead voice. I feel the need to thank those hormonal surges, because Buffy has since proven to be one of the most rewarding stories I've ever encountered.
9. Dawson's Creek
Sure, Dawson's Creek was always melodramatic, but it was melodramatic in the same way that kids of that age would be melodramatic. Buffy the Vampire Slayer drew me to the WB, and the WB bombarded me with commercials about the upcoming drama Dawson's Creek. I had no choice but to watch. Dawson and gang were my age, encountering problems that kids my age faced. They were intelligent and childishly in love with one another. For me that was so real. Throw in that kid from The Mighty Ducks (Pacey, who even references his love for The Mighty Ducks in the first season) and one of the early loves of my life, a young Katie Holmes, and I have no shame to say it: I was in love with Dawson's Creek.
10. The O.C.
You didn't have to sell me on the O.C. Months before the first trailers for the O.C. came out I became a huge fan of the band Phantom Planet, featuring Jason Schwartzman on drums, and their amazing album The Guest, after hearing them open for Incubus in 2002. When the first trailer came out all I saw was beautiful, half-naked women and all I heard was the beautiful Phantom Planet song "California." When Becky and I tried to get out buddies Elliot and Brian to watch the OC with us, however, it was a hard sell. They were too cool for a teenage prime time soap opera. It only took a couple episodes before they were hooked. Brian, the most difficult to win over, was astounded at the end of some episodes, saying things like, "Guys, I don't know what's going to happen." After watching a season, the hecklers were turned to acolytes, so devoted to the show that they weathered the terrible second and third seasons, and the hit-or-miss fourth season. I'll admit that I cried during the series finale. I don't know if Brian or Elliot will admit the same.
11. LOST
I devoted six years of my mental capacity to the television program LOST. I don't mean that I just watched it. I lived in their universe, sometimes more often than I lived in my own, possibly as a way to cope with girl issues. My longest relationship was somewhere around a year long. The longest amount of time I was ever in college was three years. The longest I've ever worked anywhere is three years. As LOST approached its series finale I began seeing that it may have been standing in the way of my availability for a whole lot of things. I predicted that after LOST concluded I'd finally be able to enter into a serious adult relationship and write a novel. Within a week of the finale, the first came true. (BEST RELATIONSHIP EVER!) Looks like I'll be needing a little more time on the novel...
12. Community
I must have watched the scene where Annie (Alison Brie) sculpted a large phallic object in pottery class at least thirty times. I'm not even joking.
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