Texas Chainsaw 3D

In Texas Chainsaw 3D, we revisit Leatherface and his family directly after his would-be-victim escapes at the conclusion of the original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The film deals with the modern repercussions of the bloody shoot-out that happened that day between the Sawyer family and the gun-toting Newt mob.

Normally I don't like to watch movies this early in the year. If a movie is released between January and March it is almost always terrible. On the other hand, I missed the big screen 3D release of the movie Piranha in 2010 and I've been kicking myself for it ever since.

The movie was mostly bad. The main characters were Heather's (Alexandra Daddario) breasts and Nikki's (Tania Raymonde) butt. Heather is so top-heavy that she falls down a flight of steps, trips over a low cemetery fence (that even an old, overweight murderer carrying a running chainsaw and with the face-skin of a victim obscuring his vision could clear), and to complete the hat-trick gets hit by a car. Her clothing choice is so impractical that a police officer trips and accidentally bares her chest. As for Nikki, the only reason to mourn the harlot's death is because the 3D camera begins to follow the flat butt of an old policeman instead of being trained on hers.

Once you get past the fact that all of Heather's friends are completely expendable - her boyfriend is both black and wearing a red shirt when he decides to follow Heather to Texas - and they're all good and properly murdered, the movie gets interesting. We see a return to the battle of old between the Sawyers and the people of Newt, and you might just find yourself siding with someone unexpected by the end. Of course, the entertainment value of the latter half of the movie may rely on your ability to justify a police officer who never arrests murderers. Also, the twist might not seem all that original if you've seen Rob Zombie's Devil's Rejects.

Ultimately, Texas Chainsaw 3D is like most movies released in the first quarter of the year, completely skippable.

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Tania Raymonde

Actress Tania Raymonde. You probably recognize her as Alex Rousseau from ABC's LOST. I recognize her as this big ol' gooshy crush I have, and if you say something childish like "Oooooooooooooh" I'm going to start blushing.