Ted Danson

Actor Ted Danson. I nearly decided to scrap this feature actor article and write a much larger article titled Three Dansons, which would document the three incredibly different television characters Sam Malone (Cheers), Dr. John Becker (Becker), and George Christopher (Bored to Death). Maybe I'll still write that article some day (either that or Three Jokers: Jack Nicholson, Mark Hamill and Heath Ledger), but for now I find it important to note that there are more than three Dansons. There's Ted Danson as himself on Curb Your Enthusiasm. There's Ted Danson the movie actor (3 Men and a Baby). There's Ted Danson the cardboard cutout that's commonly mistaken for a ghost (3 Men and a Baby). There's Tiny Danson. There's Ted Danson the guy who made a fool out of himself while dating Whoopie Goldberg. I want to celebrate all of the Dansons right now, especially George Christopher from Bored to Death.

The Matrix Screen Saver

In 1999, when The Matrix came out in theaters you could purchase a screen saver that emulated the visual themes of the film. The screen saver would tell you that the Matrix has you or prompt you to follow the white rabbit, just like Neo's computer told him. The trouble was that this program cost money, and that information ought to be free.

I was recently hanging out with my good friend Stephan, who, eleven years later, is still rocking his The Matrix screen saver, and it's still one of the best screen savers I've ever seen. Meticulous Software developed a freeware version that looks incredibly authentic, and that's the one that Stephan linked me to.

If you're interested in this screen saver, simply go to Meticulous Software and click on the Downloads navigation button. Download the best version of the file (as of October 16, 2010 the best version is 1.11b since 1.14 seems to be experiencing some problems) and then place the screen saver file (TheMatrix.scr) into your Windows folder. From there, you need only activate the custom screen saver via your display settings. Since this process is different for different operating systems, it is probably best to follow the instructions included in the zip file or on the web site. If you can't figure out how to install this screen saver on your computer, drop me a line with your problem and your operating system and any other pertinent information and one of the technicians at Cavemengo will be sure to help you out.

One feature that I was personally impressed by is that you can manipulate the settings to customize the screen saver. For example, you can start with The Matrix title sequence and trace program, or you can decide not to. You can display the current date and time or the date and time in the movie. You can change the trace phone number displayed. You can choose as your display name from either Neo, the name of the current computer user or any other specified name. This is the most impressive screen saver I've ever seen. It makes me both sad (because nobody uses cool screen savers anymore) and committed (to bringing back the use of 90s screen savers). Join me, friends. Download today.

Unnecessary Censorship: Mr. Rogers Edition

My Nine True Loves of the '90s

1. Marie Fredriksson

My first contact with Marie Fredriksson was through her voice. And that was honestly enough. The Swedish female lead singer for Roxette is responsible for some of the best pop songs of the 90s. I was already in love when I saw the music video for "Joyride" (1991), but seeing her beautiful face and sexy figure was something of a re-affirmation. It must have been love. (But it's over now. My love for Marie Fredriksson expired when she started looking like she's old enough to be my mother. But I'll always have the 90s, right?)

2. Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

If you've read my blog before, you know that I have always been a fan of Saved by the Bell (1989-1993). Tiffani Amber-Thiessen might be the first woman I ever really fell in love with. Either her or April O'Neil. It's pretty decisive, however, that Thiessen was the first non-animated human being I ever fell in love with. I was like every other male I knew. I wanted to be Zack Morris, and I wanted Kelly Kapowski on my arm.

3. Lara Flynn Boyle

The short shelf life of actress Lara Flynn Boyle is one of the truly sad stories of Hollywood. There was only a short period of time between Boyle as a child and Boyle as a skeleton of a person, but within that short period of time is the entire series of Twin Peaks (1990-1991) and the film Wayne's World (1992). To paraphrase Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, the vitality of Lara Flynn Boyle lived in the flicker, but it certainly has not lasted as long as the old earth keeps rolling.

4. Gillian Anderson

Gillian Anderson is the quintessential science fiction babe. You may love your Zoe Saldana or your Summer Glau or your Tricia Helfer, but if Mulder never had a Scully this world would be a very different place. Ever since X-Files (1993-2002, 2008), there have been plenty of beautiful women who realize that they can gain a great deal of success by appealing to nerds like us. You can love them all, but if you're anything like me, then one of your earliest sci-fi loves is certainly Gillian Anderson.

5. Jenny McCarthy

The first time I saw Jenny McCarthy was on MTV's Singled Out (1995-1997). She was that kind of girl who could be gross and still be sexy. I remember a spread of photos taken of Jenny McCarthy on a toilet, and it just seemed normal: a beautiful woman with a sense of humor. I see similar things today with actress Megan Fox, and my response is, "What are you thinking? You're gross, all right, but you skipped all the sexy." Megan Fox is no Jenny McCarthy. That's for sure.

6. Salma Hayek

I met Salma Hayek in the 1995 film Desperado, the same year I met her body double. She was beautiful and voluptuous and her accent sounded exotic, and for a boy of thirteen years who was writing letters to comic books about his emotional attachment to furry mutants she was everything you could ever want in a woman. Today she's one of the most attractive 40-somethings in Hollywood. I wonder if her body double can say the same...

7. Sarah Michelle Gellar

I was so head over heels in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar when I was a teenager. I had posters of her in my room. I watched every movie she ever put out, including Vanilla Fog, which totally sucked. I wrote her into my superhero movie Leaderman as "Sarah Michelle Gellar, TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer," who would be played by whoever I could get to act in my movie with a bag over her head. Maybe this is normal for teenage girls, but it is disturbing to think that I was certain Gellar and I would end up together. But that ended up being Freddie Prinz Junior's lot.

8. Brooke Burke

For any kid whose parents couldn't afford or wouldn't allow Premium channels, Wild On (1997-2003) and the occasional late night Girls Gone Wild infomercials had a great deal of value. But Wild On's host Brooke Burke was more than softer than soft-core. She was adorable and charming. She had a perfect voice for a host of a television program. Where other women would have been holding their audiences by the crotch, Burke held us by our hearts. When she decided that she wanted to move on with her life, she helped the program to select another host, but after Brooke the appeal was gone. We learned that people didn't watch Wild On because of the interesting locations and parties, or even because of the beautiful half-naked people who came on air after your parents went to sleep. People watched Wild On for the lovely Brooke Burke.

9. Katie Holmes

Time line of my love affair with Katie Holmes: I first encountered Holmes while watching the pilot of Dawson's Creek on the WB in 1998. Later that year, she was the bad girl whose boob gets grabbed in Disturbing Behavior. In 2000 I see her topless in the movie The Gift. She and I are on-again (Dawson's Creek), off-again (Batman Begins) until 2005. That's when I lose her to Tom Cruise and she loses her sanity. It was good while it lasted.

Adam Friedli's Memories That Are Totally Real*

*Full title that was too long to be a title: Memories That Are Totally Real, and Not Fake, Because Why Else Would I Call Them Memories, Memories

In this photo: Real Hair, Justin, It's All Real

So, there was this one time when Justin was like, "Amy, come out and play-ay..." It was pretty comical, because he didn't say "play" like you usually would say it.

Ha.

In this photo: Still Pretty Real, Justin

However, this didn't get the response he was looking for. "I'll need to try this from a different...'angle'..." he thought by speaking out loud at a different angle. So...then...and then Justin came up with an idea! "Hehehe, see, here I'm now by myself, uh, uhhh talking to myself..."

In this photo: Listening for The Safety Dance, but found Justin instead., Amy, A Real Light. This is how you know I am telling the truth.

"Hey! That's...that's chaos theory!!!" sprouted Amy, who also just happened to be in this frozen tundra maze. They both agreed the maze was unsafe and far too cold, and...wait...what was up with Justin's hair? And that's the story of how Justin and Amy met.

In this photo: Very Effective and Warm Coat, Justin

Do you remember that one time when I dared Justin to not sit in the snow for hours on end but he did it anyway just to demonstrate his philosophizing skills? Well, guess who's philosophizing now?! Justin, because he's still alive. This picture was caught in mid-sneeze. It's confusing that way, but that was part of his philosophizing process he told me. He said it also demonstrated his immense love for Amy the best. Ah yes, I thought, because that is the face of a man in love if I ever saw one.

In this photo: Jared, He's in the woods if you look VERY closely. Look closelier., Adam, Amy, Justin

Oh man. Road trips and airplane food, am I right? Probably. And probably this was one of the best trips ever conceived by anyone. We were heading to...NOT Medieval Times. I remember that much because Amy was saying, "Why is Adam wearing that Medicinal Times hat? Am I right?" Then Justin said, "We better watch out because I'm driving here and I forgot to bring my Marginal Times hat that helps me find proper directions. Am I left?" I just kept scrunching my face and moving my beard, because that seemed like the right thing to do. And that's the story of Amy and Justin's first date. I know, because I was there.

In this photo: The 2nd UNO Night, Interstellar Water Bottle, Amy, The Power to Destroy Heavenly Bodies, Justin, UNO Night, Maybe a Bit of a Couch

Back in the year 2000, there was this undiscovered astronomical phenomenon that defied all logic of time and space. We'll call it a "star." Jump forward to 2006. Nothing happened. Now go to 2009. Stuff happened, but not good enough. Now go to 2010. We're already there. Guess what? You just traveled through time. How? Well, you were in "now" a little while ago. But now, You're in NOW now. Where is that? It's right here. And here...here is where the story takes place. But what's a story? It's a collection of truths. Like when Justin and Amy blasted apart a star. You didn't hear? So check it out. They caused a supernova...with their love. And some Champagne. It's crazy, I know. It's crazy. But you want to know the craziest part? Get ready. UNO Night...without any UNO. What is that?! It's still an UNO Night. Exactly. Well, luckily none of this madness ever happened again, because you can only blow up a star once like that...

...or can you?

Thus concludes the first installation of Adam Friedli's Memories That Are Totally Real. I've received word that there are several more forthcoming story arcs in the series, so stay tuned to Cavemengo for more from Adam Friedli.

David Carroll's Custom Nerf Mavericks

I always thought that Nerf guns were made solely for cornering your brother and shooting him repeatedly without worry of permanent damage, expressing both your eternal vengeance and your eternal love for your brother at the same time. I recently learned that those are the thoughts of a child. David Carroll introduced me to the thoughts of an adult when I first saw his Facebook photo album of customized Nerf Mavericks, a series of handguns that David painted and/or modified, a beautiful expression of what adults with time and love and a little bit of money can do with their childhood memories.

Here are a couple of my favorite Nerf Mavericks. (Is my comic book geek showing?)

The Flash

The Green Lantern

The Iron Man

Guess what? You're in luck. After bugging David a couple of times, he uploaded all of the photos of his Nerf Mavericks to imgur. There was a time when only the aristocratic few (David's Facebook friends) could access these beauties, but that time is over. Click here for David's Custom Painted/Modified Nerf Mavericks.

Zach Galifianakis

Actor/comedian Zach Galifianakis. You may recognize him as Alan Garner from The Hangover, Ray Hueston from Bored to Death, or Bobby from It's Kind of a Funny Story. I am a one-comedian-at-a-time kind of guy, meaning that if I like a comedian she or he is the only comedian in the world. In my lifetime I have only had three comedians. First there was Eddie Izzard. Izzard is still alive, but he was completely eclipsed for me by Mitch Hedberg. When Hedberg died, I thought I'd never love (a comedian) again. Then came Zach. To paraphrase the great prophet Phil Collins: "You will be in my heart, Zach. You will be in my heart."